It’s been a long year, and we could all use a good laugh. What better way to kick off the new year than by indulging in some hilarious legal jokes? Lawyers and judges are known for their quick wit and sharp sense of humor, so we’ve collected the best one liners from around the internet. From courtroom drama to wacky law cases, these jokes will have you rolling on the floor with laughter.
Best Legal Jokes and Puns
Humor is often used as a tool to diffuse tense situations, and nowhere is this more true than in the legal profession. Lawyers and judges are known for their quick wit and sharp sense of humor, so we’ve collected the best one liners from around the internet. From courtroom drama to wacky law cases, these jokes will have you rolling on the floor with laughter.
Here are 69 of the best legal jokes and puns:
- “How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.” – Unknown
- “How can you tell a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.” – Unknown
- “I’m not a real lawyer, but I play one on TV.” – Ally McBeal
- “A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, ‘Can I get you a drink?’ The parrot says, ‘No thanks, I’ve already been served.'” – Unknown
- “Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it requires them to stay quiet for long periods of time.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an octopus? One has eight arms and no conscience. The other has no arms and eight testicles.” – David Feherty
- “Why did God create lawyers? Because even the devil needs representation.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.” – Unknown
- “How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.” – John C. Heath
- “Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps and California all the lawyers? New Jersey had first pick.” – P.J. O’Rourke
- “Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a piranha? One is an evil, scum-sucking scavenger. The other is a fish.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? One provides service after your death. The other services before your death.” – Unknown
- “How many attorneys does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?” – Unknown
- “Why is it that many lawyers have trouble parallel parking? Because they lack judgment.” – Unknown
- “How do you get a group of lawyers off your front porch? Pay them for the pizza.” – Unknown
- “Two sharks are swimming through the ocean when they spot a seal. One shark says to the other, ‘Let’s go eat that seal.’ The other shark replies, ‘No way man, we’ll get sued.'” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech won’t quit until it’s had its fill.” – Unknown
- “How do you get rid of a lawyer? Drown him in paper work!” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? Outlaws are wanted.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is slimy, scummy, and dangerous. The other is just a fish.” – Unknown
- “How do you know when you’ve met a lawyer? He’ll tell you!” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a golfer and a lawyer? A golfer thinks about his next shot. A lawyer already has.” – Sam Snead
- “What’s the difference between a rabbi and a lawyer? A rabbi separates people. A lawyer separates money from people.” – Unknown
- “A man went to see a genie. The genie said, ‘I will grant you one wish.’ The man thought for a moment and then said, ‘I wish I had half of what my lawyer charges me.'” – Unknown
- “If you see an attorney on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? It might be your bike.” – George Carlin
- “What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.” – Unknown
- “What do have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.” – Unknown
- “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at all the people he gave it to – Lawyers!.” – Dorothy Parker
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an octopus? One has eight arms and no conscience. The other has no arms and eight testicles.” – David Feherty
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.” – Sam Ervin Jr.
- “A man went into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’ The bartender replied, ‘Sure do.’ The man then ordered a beer for himself and one for the alligator. After he was finished, the alligator started to leave, but the man stopped him and asked, ‘Where are you going? You just had a beer.’ The alligator replied, ‘I’m going to go out there and see if I can find me one of them lawyers.'” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There’s sometimes a tire mark on the skunk.” -Unknown
- “If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.” – Unknown
- “What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A witness.” – Unknown
- “Why don’t lawyers play hide and seek? Because nobody will look for them.” – Unknown
- “How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can never find the statute that authorizes it.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.” – Unknown
- “Why is it that many lawyers have trouble structuring sentences correctly? Because they are used to taking instructions from their clients.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and bad breath? Bad breath only bothers you for a few minutes.” – Unknown
- “How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.” – Unknown
- “I told my lawyer, ‘I want to be buried next to my mother-in-law.’ He said, ‘Sure, no problem.’ The next day he hands me a book called ‘Preparation H for Dummies.'” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an investment banker? An investment banker knows when to stop talking.” – Unknown
- “I’m not saying that he’s guilty, but let’s just say that he wouldn’t be my first choice for jury duty.” – Unknown
- “I wanted to be a lawyer so I could help people, but then I realized that most people are idiots and don’t deserve help.” – Unknown
- “I asked a girl out in my law class and she said, ‘You’re not my type.’ I said, ‘No, I’m not. I’m not balding, short, and ugly like you want.'” – Unknown
- “How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. That’s what they have paralegals for.” – Unknown
- “How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?” – Unknown
- “What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A corruptor.” – Unknown
- “A man walks into a bar with a alligator. The bartender says, ‘You can’t bring that in here!’ The man says, ‘It’s my service animal. I’m a lawyer with OCD and he helps me with my tics.'” – Unknown
- “How many ambulance chasing lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he’ll try to make it into a class action lawsuit.” – Unknown
- “How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.” – Scott Turow
- “Why are lawyers so annoying? Because they’re trained to be argumentative.” – Unknown
- “What do you get when you cross a Mafia boss with a lawyer? Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand.” – Jay Leno
- “How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving train? Never enough.” – Jerry Seinfeld
- “How do you get a group of lawyers off your front porch? Pay them for their time.” – Unknown
- “Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? They taste terrible!” – Jimmy Fallon
- “What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? The rest of his briefs!” – Author Unknown
- “Why did God create trial lawyers? So that honest people could have representation, too.” – Ted Garland
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you kill it.” – Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an ambulance chaser? An ambulance chaser knows when to stop.” – Author Unknown
- “What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.” – Author Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick falls off of you when you die.” – Author Unknown
- “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an iceberg? About five percent!” – Anonymous
- “How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.” – Anonymous
- “Why did God invent Lawyers? Because an honest man wouldn’t touch the job with a ten-foot pole!” – Anonymous
Conclusion:
So there you have it, the best legal jokes of the year! If you’re a lawyer or judge, we hope you found these one liners as hilarious as we did. And if you’re not in the legal profession, we hope this gave you a good laugh nonetheless.
Do you know any other great legal jokes? Share them with us in the comments below! Thank you for reading and have a great day.