The Best Legal Jokes of the Year

It’s been a long year, and we could all use a good laugh. What better way to kick off the new year than by indulging in some hilarious legal jokes? Lawyers and judges are known for their quick wit and sharp sense of humor, so we’ve collected the best one liners from around the internet. From courtroom drama to wacky law cases, these jokes will have you rolling on the floor with laughter.

Best Legal Jokes and Puns

Humor is often used as a tool to diffuse tense situations, and nowhere is this more true than in the legal profession. Lawyers and judges are known for their quick wit and sharp sense of humor, so we’ve collected the best one liners from around the internet. From courtroom drama to wacky law cases, these jokes will have you rolling on the floor with laughter.

Here are 69 of the best legal jokes and puns:

  1. “How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.” – Unknown
  2. “How can you tell a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.” – Unknown
  3. “I’m not a real lawyer, but I play one on TV.” – Ally McBeal
  4. “A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, ‘Can I get you a drink?’ The parrot says, ‘No thanks, I’ve already been served.'” – Unknown
  5. “Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it requires them to stay quiet for long periods of time.” – Unknown
  6. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an octopus? One has eight arms and no conscience. The other has no arms and eight testicles.” – David Feherty
  7. “Why did God create lawyers? Because even the devil needs representation.” – Unknown
  8. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.” – Unknown
  9. “How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.” – John C. Heath
  10. “Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps and California all the lawyers? New Jersey had first pick.” – P.J. O’Rourke
  11. “Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.” – Unknown
  12. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a piranha? One is an evil, scum-sucking scavenger. The other is a fish.” – Unknown
  13. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? One provides service after your death. The other services before your death.” – Unknown
  14. “How many attorneys does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?” – Unknown
  15. “Why is it that many lawyers have trouble parallel parking? Because they lack judgment.” – Unknown
  16. “How do you get a group of lawyers off your front porch? Pay them for the pizza.” – Unknown
  17. “Two sharks are swimming through the ocean when they spot a seal. One shark says to the other, ‘Let’s go eat that seal.’ The other shark replies, ‘No way man, we’ll get sued.'” – Unknown
  18. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech won’t quit until it’s had its fill.” – Unknown
  19. “How do you get rid of a lawyer? Drown him in paper work!” – Unknown
  20. “What’s the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? Outlaws are wanted.” – Unknown
  21. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is slimy, scummy, and dangerous. The other is just a fish.” – Unknown
  22. “How do you know when you’ve met a lawyer? He’ll tell you!” – Unknown
  23. “What’s the difference between a golfer and a lawyer? A golfer thinks about his next shot. A lawyer already has.” – Sam Snead
  24. “What’s the difference between a rabbi and a lawyer? A rabbi separates people. A lawyer separates money from people.” – Unknown
  25. “A man went to see a genie. The genie said, ‘I will grant you one wish.’ The man thought for a moment and then said, ‘I wish I had half of what my lawyer charges me.'” – Unknown
  26. “If you see an attorney on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? It might be your bike.” – George Carlin
  27. “What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!” – Unknown
  28. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.” – Unknown
  29. “What do have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.” – Unknown
  30. “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at all the people he gave it to – Lawyers!.” – Dorothy Parker
  31. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an octopus? One has eight arms and no conscience. The other has no arms and eight testicles.” – David Feherty
  32. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.” – Sam Ervin Jr.
  33. “A man went into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’ The bartender replied, ‘Sure do.’ The man then ordered a beer for himself and one for the alligator. After he was finished, the alligator started to leave, but the man stopped him and asked, ‘Where are you going? You just had a beer.’ The alligator replied, ‘I’m going to go out there and see if I can find me one of them lawyers.'” – Unknown
  34. “What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There’s sometimes a tire mark on the skunk.” -Unknown
  35. “If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.” – Unknown
  36. “What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A witness.” – Unknown
  37. “Why don’t lawyers play hide and seek? Because nobody will look for them.” – Unknown
  38. “How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can never find the statute that authorizes it.” – Unknown
  39. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.” – Unknown
  40. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.” – Unknown
  41. “Why is it that many lawyers have trouble structuring sentences correctly? Because they are used to taking instructions from their clients.” – Unknown
  42. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.” – Unknown
  43. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and bad breath? Bad breath only bothers you for a few minutes.” – Unknown
  44. “How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.” – Unknown
  45. “I told my lawyer, ‘I want to be buried next to my mother-in-law.’ He said, ‘Sure, no problem.’ The next day he hands me a book called ‘Preparation H for Dummies.'” – Unknown
  46. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an investment banker? An investment banker knows when to stop talking.” – Unknown
  47. “I’m not saying that he’s guilty, but let’s just say that he wouldn’t be my first choice for jury duty.” – Unknown
  48. “I wanted to be a lawyer so I could help people, but then I realized that most people are idiots and don’t deserve help.” – Unknown
  49. “I asked a girl out in my law class and she said, ‘You’re not my type.’ I said, ‘No, I’m not. I’m not balding, short, and ugly like you want.'” – Unknown
  50. “How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. That’s what they have paralegals for.” – Unknown
  51. “How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?” – Unknown
  52. “What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A corruptor.” – Unknown
  53. “A man walks into a bar with a alligator. The bartender says, ‘You can’t bring that in here!’ The man says, ‘It’s my service animal. I’m a lawyer with OCD and he helps me with my tics.'” – Unknown
  54. “How many ambulance chasing lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he’ll try to make it into a class action lawsuit.” – Unknown
  55. “How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.” – Scott Turow
  56. “Why are lawyers so annoying? Because they’re trained to be argumentative.” – Unknown
  57. “What do you get when you cross a Mafia boss with a lawyer? Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand.” – Jay Leno
  58. “How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving train? Never enough.” – Jerry Seinfeld
  59. “How do you get a group of lawyers off your front porch? Pay them for their time.” – Unknown
  60. “Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? They taste terrible!” – Jimmy Fallon
  61. “What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? The rest of his briefs!” – Author Unknown
  62. “Why did God create trial lawyers? So that honest people could have representation, too.” – Ted Garland
  63. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you kill it.” – Unknown
  64. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an ambulance chaser? An ambulance chaser knows when to stop.” – Author Unknown
  65. “What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.” – Author Unknown
  66. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick falls off of you when you die.” – Author Unknown
  67. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and an iceberg? About five percent!” – Anonymous
  68. “How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.” – Anonymous
  69. “Why did God invent Lawyers? Because an honest man wouldn’t touch the job with a ten-foot pole!” – Anonymous

Conclusion:

So there you have it, the best legal jokes of the year! If you’re a lawyer or judge, we hope you found these one liners as hilarious as we did. And if you’re not in the legal profession, we hope this gave you a good laugh nonetheless. 

Do you know any other great legal jokes? Share them with us in the comments below! Thank you for reading and have a great day.

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